And yet again i feel as anxious and lonely as I’ve ever been.
Just got back from spending most of the day driving to and from, and attending, a wedding. A wedding I didn’t particularly want to attend, but a family wedding, so attendance was almost mandatory. (as I am an adult, i can make my own decisions. But the mother of the bride, my dear aunt, wouldn’t have ever let me forget that i didn’t attend her dear daughters wedding. And considering she is one of only two extended family I still actually see regularly, it was just less effort and pain to just attend the fucking thing and get it over with.)
So as someone with exponentially worsening social anxiety, you can imagine that i have been on a teetering edge of a panic attack for the last few hours. The ceremony itself was enough in and of itself, but the reception was the more dreaded part.
I have never been a people person. Not even when i was younger and more carefree, i always preferred to work in the shadows and not call attention to myself and to never have conversations with strangers (ie: everyone). And so as a result I have grown into a man who doesnt approach (anyone) and vis a vis isn’t approached much himself. This obviously doesn’t leave me with many opportunities to converse with potential new friends or potential business partners or, most disappointingly, women I’m possibly attracted to. In fact, I’d venture that my behavior in these social situations discourages a great many people from talking with me.
I used to think this was a great thing, perhaps even what I really wanted after all, seeing as I am an introvert. Its turned out to be that I’ve just turned into the angry-looking probably-unfriendly guy over at the table in the back that is really, really quiet until he just leaves with an Irish Goodbye. The handsome, well-dressed one who looks like he has a mean streak and its requiring 100 pounds of effort just to be here. The one who keeps occasionally peeping around the room and catching little quick hidden glances at the pretty girls and occasionally the men they’re with… and getting caught occasionally and darting those eyes away and slinking back into a corner.
When in reality I’m just stuck in my head a bit, wondering why i am getting so nervous about just talking to people (even family), wanting desperately go muster up the courage to go talk to that QT in the blue strapless dress… Hoping no one comes up to me so I don’t have to talk to them and more importantly talk to her, and then i can maybe just sneak the fuck outta here and get these fucking dress shoes off.